I am no stranger to a broken heart. It just so happens that I am a romantic and I fall in love too much and too often. (maybe love is a strong overly used word - admiration and awe seems more appropriate) Too much of anything has its consequences, but then again so does too much of nothing. Bidding farewell to those feelings that never really achieved a loud enough frequency to be heard is to put it - excruciatingly unyielding. If you place this person on a pedestal for long, his flaws almost vanish and never really penetrate through your logical and cognitive reasoning. Relieving your mind of those relived circuited fantasies is not an easily achievable task. And time isn't your best friend right now either. Time does not heal any open wounds on its own. Speaking from experience, if left to father time alone those wounds get further inflicted and leave a permanent scar on the already marred heart.
So far all I have learned from my previous heartbreaks, (only 2.5 maybe 3 to be precise) is that you have to let go of 'the hope'. You have to let go and give up on counting all those 'what ifs'. This tiny flicker of desire, the glimmer of expectation, that something might work out in the future is the devil that resides on your shoulder seducing your mind with sweet nothings, filling it with 'the hope'. This little devil is resilient, springing back with full force if you so much as to just happen to see this person. You have to keep on persistently brushing it of till it gets tired once and for all and gives up on trying to put your mind into a tumultuous state.
Getting over a crush or a relationship is a bootcamp (at least for me) You have to train your feelings, exercise your mind and over-exert your thoughts. You have to force your eyes to see the harsh, yet obvious reality which had always been in front of you; just that the deceiving drapes behind which it was hiding were too distractingly beautiful. You need to get hold of the rope and lift the curtains. And then everything steadily falls into place, with the same rhythm as that of a Shakespearean play. You are the central character. As each part of the stage play is performed, everything makes sense.
The first part - overly exaggerated grieving - you cry to your friends, consume ginormous amounts of carbohydrates, chocolates and ice cream. Bitch the person out. Watch the sappy movies that make you cry. You cry, cry and cry. For me its more of literal crying than figurative ; I write. And I think crying and grieving is as indispensable as all that feel good chocolate consumed, that you later hit the gym to work off.
Next comes the self reliance part. You have to turn to your biggest support system - yourself. No matter how much of a 'scumbag steve' your brain is, it has a 'good guy greg' inside too and just when you least expect it, this good guy walks in like a superhero ( always at the last minute) and saves the day. You just have to anxiously wait for his magnificent entry. This finally allows you to see the object of your desire as a real person; flaws and et al. He/she finally loses the demigod like position that they had taken up in your head. This leads to the climax. To put it in embellished poetic words - 'you see the light'. And then you wonder why in the first place did you ever wear your heart on your sleeve for this person?
Then it's time to reward yourself for being such a strong person and to get out there and resume the stalled search for whatever or whoever it is that makes you happy.
Every person desires and deserves to be adored back. As I sit in a coffee shop and type this out, there's a couple sitting across from me, young and so much in love. I do feel disappointed about the state of my life right now. I too want to have someone who reciprocates my feelings by my side, but I CAN wait. Maybe right now isn't the right time. I believe that even though one's heart desires different things, the universe still is the major conspiring force and everyone always ends up with the right person at the end of the day. I am not going to stop looking, but I'm definitely going to stop trying, for things will happen when they have to happen. My work right now is to just keep sending out those positive vibes into the universe (I'll try the least to say at this point). Even if I go against my insecurities and muster up the courage to say out loud how I feel, there is no cent percent guarantee that everything will go as planned by the non-sensical part of my brain. For me its easier to live with my bottled up feelings than disappointment. All that is left and all that I am going to do now is wait. A wait that better be worth it.
Well on another note, I might still be in the grieving phase right now (I can never be too sure, my mind has a mind of its own) and this song to put it for the overly romantic side of mine, hits the spot!
