#9. Devoid

A poem that i wrote for one of my classes...

Devoid

A supernova explosion of misapprehensions

puts a thousand light years between us.

Lined with stardust, searching for a map;

there's treasure to be found.

Hindered by trembling fingers, unshed tears

I run.

The first promise of unconditional passion -

separated by a thousand last ones of failed compromises,

a longing to see my face

in your eyes, carry me through

this labyrinth of uncleared feelings.

I walk.

I finally arrive.

With ameliorated perceptions, devout apologies.

Treasure found- your gentle smile so warm,

makes sunlight seem like a gust of gelid gale.

The search forgotten, your arms,

I sleep.

#8. Somewhere out there.......

Somewhere out there is my prince charming. Not on a white horse or in a  black beamer. With a heart filled with passion that makes my heart skip a beat. Somewhere out there is the quirky charmer with a smile inducing smile and a cute little button nose. Who listens to the xx. Whose words flow like poetry to my ears. Someone with major bed hair. Someone who won't mind sitting on my bed watching the candle flame flicker and enjoy the musical silence. Someone who'll teach me to live in the moment, hold my hand and guide me, help me break the emotional wall that has manifested itself around my being through the years. Who'll be patient enough to let me warm up to him and then let him see me in my vulnerable true light. Patient enough to not think of me as a snooty stuck up bitch or a prude - someone who gets the fact that I am an introvert. Who'll be fine and (maybeee) control my shopoholic ways at times. Doesn't mind spending a mandatory hour at a coffeeshop. Someone who knows how i like my coffee and my favorite color. Someone who doesn't run away at the first sight of my tears. Who loves going for walks in the crisp fall weather. Someone who doesn't make fun of my melancholic poetry and understands that those are just a very overly dramatized word-ly depiction of my rare  occasional thoughts. Someone who actually forgets anniversaries and birthdays not because he's not bothered but just because he's slightly clumsy and absent minded; thereby giving me a reason to argue with him and get him to give me a huge bouquet of expensive orchids. Someone who appreciates art and won't create a big deal if i drag him to museums. Someone who accepts me for the geek that i am most of the time. Someone who'll let me pamper him and shop for him. Someone who's open to trying new cuisines and doesn't make a face when I order octopus at a french restaurant. Someone who is extremely good with finances and fill in for my lack of banking and saving skills (which I am miserable at in spite of my mum trying to teach me for years!). Someone who'll sit through rom-coms and dramas, pride and prejudice and wont mind me holding him tightly while watching horror flicks. Someone who won't laugh at me for crying during LOTR , HP and lion king or any movie for that matter. Someone who'll take a little effort to teach me to play those xbox/ playstation games instead of ignoring me while playing. In whose arms I feel protected and safe. Someone who is ok with the fact that I can't cook but have amazing order in skills. Someone who'll share a huge tub of caramel popcorn at the movies. Someone who loves the rain and won't mind if run out and jump around like crazy in the puddles. Someone who'll treat me the way my parents have. Someone who'll bear with my ever changing hobbies. Someone who'll get me opera tickets for my birthday. Someone who gives me butterflies and baby bunnies in my tummy. Someone who'll not judge me on the basis of my tattoos. Someone who'll love me and in return let me place my world in his hands. I just haven't met you yet!

#7. A Pendulum's Rut

It's annoying to stare endlessly at the keyboard for minutes and sometimes even hours at a stretch and not have a  single word typed out on the ominous blank white screen. And then you reach this almost uber-epiphanic minute where the words start flowing like a water fall sprouting out of an extrinsic vacuum. And then the dreaded void strikes again. 

Changing tracks, a few years ago, I came across a Foucault pendulum at IUCAA, ( The Inter-University Centre for Astronomy and Astrophysics) at Pune University, a gorgeous place with an even more gorgeous planetarium and observatory. A place where I 'assumed' I was destined to end up and at that point in time wanted to too, but i guess Purdue, not Pune University was the predetermined constellation in the cosmos of my life. 

Coming back to the Foucault pendulum, it is a device used to determine the Earth's rotation. This device swings freely in what seems a quasi-moving plane which indicates the rotation of the earth throughout the 24 hour period. But in fact the directional plane of the pendulum is fixed in space while the earth rotates around it. I couldn't help but use this device as a metaphor for the rotation of our life. So engrossed in the trivialities of life, I believe humans are like the pendulum, swinging in one constant direction, extremely apprehensive of change, failing to notice the beautiful world as it whirligigs around us. And then the epiphany strikes, that we have settled into a mediocrity filled existence. But it is too late, for the eleventh hour of life arrived and now, is long gone. We fall into a pendulum's rut.

A periodical change in direction, however small the transition, is imperative to make living life a worthy and gratifying experience. Change your wardrobe, change the route you take to class, try a different drink instead of your regular decaf black coffee, try a novelty cuisine, get a new haircut or color, or even read a book belonging to a genre you wouldn't think of reading and notice the wonders a humble change can make.

A recent quote that i came across, "Love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." I believe that change is the absolute mantra of a fulfilling life. Even a short 3 day vacation, away from our daily surroundings, leaves one feeling refreshed and ready to face one's daily chores. Embrace anything that changes the frequency and amplitude of your actuality and prevents it from falling into humdrum mediocrity. 

Conclusively, make your life distinguishable. And by that I don't mean that a successful life is only marked by fame and fortune ; just make your daily existence so vividly exciting, that at the end of the metaphorical day, its worth writing a memoir about.

#6. Shine On You Crazy Diamond

Sitting outside in the cold,  I realized I have a lot of acknowledging and gratifying to do. Acknowledge life. Acknowledge my parents. Acknowledge the wonderful new friends that I have made. Acknowledge the gravity of the opportunities that have miraculously appeared in the pathway of my life. Acknowledge a wonderful cup of coffee. Gratify the barista that makes that wonderful cup of coffee. Acknowledge the beautiful trees sprouting to life as spring lays its anchor before it sails away clearing the bay for summer to set in. Acknowledge MYSELF.

'Shine on you crazy diamond' - a classic Pink Floyd, nothing can beat the feeling (atleast for me) of lying on the cold ground, looking up at the starry skies with pink floyd blasting on my headphones. Weirdly, those are  the moments where my brain revs up its monotonous -activity -rusted engine and goes into a sort of a brainstorming mode.

I know that my interpretation of this song might not exactly be right but as my friend Razan puts it "songs are written so one can interpret the shit out of them".  I have learnt to embrace the crazy diamond that has been through a lot of experiences and has gotten its sparkle after years of being buried under stressful adversities. 

I  might quintessentially NOT be the stereotypical girl. I am weird. I am as people would like to put it a big nerd. I have the quirkiest taste in music. I get lost in my own fantasy world and often catch myself staring into space a little more than necessary. I rather stargaze and spend the night with my telescope. I rather read a good book than gossip. And the day i came to terms with this fact after hiding my quirky, 'nerdy' side behind all the high school gossip, fake giggles as boys passed by and layers and layers of kohl( messily applied in the school bathrooms before the last bell rang), was probably the happiest day of my life. 

Shine on you crazy diamond, for me means never ever try to deceive yourself and ensconce the true you. Go on and enjoy the roller coaster ride to the fullest.  Scream your lungs out, sing your own song and embrace your true colors. Sure, life  does have a funny working mechanism. Sometimes smiles and sometimes tears - it's fuels. But it all starts to make sense when you embody your so called 'weirdness' and shine on like a brightly colored, truly mad, crazy , wacky, nonsensical diamond that you are!

On a side note I'm posting a link to this really beautiful song that i am currently and absolutely  addicted to..

#5. Utopia.

I wrote this poem last semester. I still consider it incomplete but for the lack of a better ending at this point I decided to post it anyways... 

Lost in a garden of eternal hope,
thoughts of you fog my senses.
Bittersweet poison spreading through my veins
Hurls me into a world of unfulfilled fantasies.
Every frown a smile, every tear a dewdrop here,
Memories come alive.
I forget to miss you, I forget the wait.
Tender music drowns the vain babble,
Not afraid anymore, a new life begins.
A real soul is reborn, knowing no disappointment.
Enamored by the starry skies,
A broken heart beams with euphoria,
A world of infinity, farewells cease to exist.
Over the horizon, i can hear my name

Severing all connections , i delve deeper
into the beautiful utopia.
A perfect land, of my making

A make believe fairytale with a happy ending.
conflicts die, surprises galore
Sadness bereft, happiness thrives.
Wishes come to life here
Love is all i feel, it is all i see.
Shackles of the past are broken
Moving forward in time,
It runs so slow here.
Autumn leaves of every hue,
pristine white snow
beaming sunshine, gleaming flowers
All coexist here.
A teardrop falls, the last ever to flow
A teardrop of joy.
Exploring this beautiful ghost town
I am alone, not lonely.

#4. First Love.

Lately i have been in such a good mood these days, probably a result of good weather, good food, good books and good music. I feel nothing can bring me down. Sure, i have my weak moments when ghosts of decisions past come back to haunt me, but i have learnt to get through and banish them with this "I love" list i made a few days back.
I hear so many people saying over and over again how they hate themselves and blah blah blah. (Not to lie, i belonged to that lot once too) But while making this list ( which was a suggestion from a very beloved teacher) I realized that it was absolutely irrational on my part to hate myself when i love the many things that i do. Gloating in self pity never got anyone anywhere. I couldn't even come up with a single reason as to why i should despise my life. So to anybody reading this i would strongly suggest to make a similar list , and notice how by the end of it you fall in love with YOURSELF all over again and have a huge ear to ear grin plastered on your face. =)

I love my family.
I love the opportunities they have provided for me.
I love driving my parents crazy and being a spoilt brat.
I love teasing and annoying my pesky  little brother.
I love the view from my house back in U.A.E.
I love shopping.
I love having weird/ non-sensical conversations.
I love having intellectual arguments.

I love laughing until my stomach hurts.

I love sobbing and crying while watching romantic dramas.

I love it that i am an emotional person.
I love being a hopeless romantic.
I love helping others.
I love making others happy.
I love it when i'm happy.
I love going to museums, especially contemporary art ones.
I love art.
I love  my tattoos.
I love reading.
I love writing.
I love writing poetry.
I love Astronomy.
I love watching foreign films.
I love the smell of fresh flowers.
I love flowers, especially orchids and tiger lilies.
I love chilly early mornings.
I love listening to sappy-romantic hindi songs.
I love singing along to those sappy- romantic hindi songs.
I love putting on my headphones and getting lost in the music.
I love eating cereal with warm milk.
i love rain.
i love greenery.
I love long drives along the shore.
I love swimming.
I love love stories.
I love the feeling of a good book in my hands.
I love cozying up with a good book, a mocha and hazelnut latte/masala chai at Greyhouse while it pours outside.
I love walking barefoot on the beach, as the cold waves crash against my legs.
I love the sea breeze.
I love deserts.
I love the sand dunes. 
I love sunrises.
I love sunsets.
I love staying up late at night, doing absolutely nothing.
i love watching movies in the theatre
I love waiting for my prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet.
i love clear, blue skies.
I love daydreaming.
i love my current hair color - reddish brown
I love my unequal eyes.
I love my crooked nose.
I love fashion.
i love wasting my time browsing through fashion blogs.
I love my telescope.
I love Astronautical engineering.
I love Purdue.
I love taking long walks, when the weather is gorgeous.
I love unique-vintage stuff.
I love scarves.
I love shoes.
I love perfumes.
i love lipsticks.
I love indie music.
I love house and lounge and world music.
I love my electric guitar.
I love receiving small, thoughtful gifts.
I love giving gifts and seeing the smile on the other persons eyes.
I love earrings.
I love wine.
I love roller skating.
I love HIMYM, Big bang theory, outsourced and modern family.
I love the fact that i am such a sucker for romance.
I love sleeping and dreaming.
I love getting lost in a distant fantasy world
I love learning about other cultures.
I love my culture.
I love beautiful but weird things
i love physics.
i love metaphysics.
i love wasting time
i love poetry.
I love chocolate truffles.
I love playing scrabble.
I love playing angry birds.
I love the fact that i am technologically challenged yet somehow manage to fix my computer on my own.
I love the colors salmon pink, coral and sea green.
I love black.
I love purple.
I love red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting
i love hearing the birds chirp.
I love magic. I love miracles.
I love tiramisu.
I love andy warhol's art.
I love my room.
I love my purple chair.
I love my wardrobe.
I love the idea of being in love.
I LOVE MYSELF. (In an absolutely non-narcissistic way)

#3. First Mechanical Failure (Warning : Extremely profound and philosophical)

A mutant idea. A weird dream. The human brain is a labyrinth. Once an idea or a notion sets motion inside your mind, it doesn't settle until it's purpose is attained. A debate marathon begins. The subconscious mind begins manipulating the conscious mind into semi-believing a non-existent reality. Confusion is an usual side-effect.  

Sitting in a cafe, a mutant idea was born within my conscious cognizance. Do i see the world in metaphoric black and white or do i feel the colors surrounding me? Do i see the true me or do i see the perception others have of me ? After days of reading numerous self help books (which in fact were no help at all) and self-contemplation, the answer was crystal clear. I was holding myself down. I had formed a habit of seeing the ending before the beginning and drowning out my actual potential in thoughts which seem so nonsensical now.  Realization is the greatest self help one can give to thyself. “With realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world.”- Dalai Lama

 
Shattering the obscure black and white lens hiding my true perception,  everything seemed new. My life's puzzle pieces came together harmoniously  to form a true evaluation of my goals, ambitions, wants and needs. 

"In faith that I'll be true to myself, i find me." Though realization comes comparatively easy, the endeavor undertaken later is a rough one.  True success is always precedented by downfall and mis-experiences. The journey undertaken after a failure is what strengthens one and propels them towards success.  Metaphoric with an aircraft, the turbulent lift created beneath the wings, balanced by the strength of the metallic frame and the intense, somewhat chaotic engine is what propel the aircraft. Without the capricious wind, the aircraft is nothing but a piece of molded metal. Turbulence in life is a necessary evil. One starts to take things for granted if life's a smooth sailing.  Life comes with its own set of faulty manufacturing, engine failures and  a sudden drop in altitude. 

A couple of months back,  a figurative mechanical failure occurred. Somewhere along the set flightpath, the auto-pilot mode that i had been in since middle school, broke down due to a virus - cognitive contemplation. And i had no idea as to which direction was i supposed to steer in. This actually forced me to start seeing things the way i wanted to, and not the worldly perception of them. I had a choice; a choice of following a hackneyed map or tracing my own. As frustrating as this new found discovery was, it was all the more exhilarating. I was and am finally in control. I don't feel like a lost sheep flying in an alien air space anymore. I have learnt to do things that put a smile on my face. I have finally outlined my own flight route. All i am waiting for now, is the engines to heat up - the right opportunities, and the re-take off.

#2. First turbulence.

Luck. Hope. Aspirations. Crossing out the luck part, i started college with the latter two. Guess i forgot to read the fine prints. Somewhere along the way they transformed into frustration and a definite need to discover my true self (as cliched as it might sound).

Ever since i can remember, as a kid my happiest moments were when i was in an airplane or watching the stars.  The solar system, the galaxies and the cosmos in its whole magnificent self enamor me. I get into a sort of semi-trance while stargazing. It is, for me, an understated ecstasy.

I am an indian and ultimately life boils down to two things for a girl - either have a promising career or get married.  Luckily, I have been blessed with wonderful parents who don't believe in the above societal notion and have given me the freedom to live my life on my own terms. I have never been pressurized to do anything or over excel. But it is an innate tendency of mine to be the best in whatever i do. Failure is not easy on me. So it was obvious that i would choose one of the most difficult professions.  I started of with wanting to do Astrophysics, but i couldn't see myself stuck in a lab all day and hence chose the closest form of engineering- Astronautical. Excited and over-joyous i began my journey but then came the unexpected detour.

As i metamorphosed from an over-enthusiastic freshman to a worn out junior,  i realized that  i wanted to  soar through the sky like a airplane. Spread my metaphoric colossal wings and glide through the icy, rapturing wind. Rather than being the one propelling the magnificence into the amaranthine sky and then stand back and watch as my envisage takes off, leaving me behind in a trail of envious abjection .

I am a free spirit "trapped" in an engineer's mind and whenever this free spirit bounces of a mutant idea- it brews a concoction of agitated disturbance.

#1. First take-off.

Cigarettes and chocolate soy milk, my companions. Typing with a sprained right hand and twisted left leg(and a highly twisted mind due to recent events). 'Explosions in the sky' blasting off in the background along with the wall clock going 'tick-tock-i'm -gonna -give-you-a-major-mind-block', a hideously painful reminder that currently i am "un-studentefied". Yes, that is a word in my personal vocabulary defined as 'A highly pressurized University student forced to take up "a light semester" due to "unforeseen circumstances". '
 

I am a victim. A victim of an idle mind. A victim of lost apathy. A victim of life's devious itinerary. But i beg to differ; my life isn't and hasn't ever been like a roller coaster. Its more synonymous with an international airport with halted operations due to an electrifying explosion of some dormant Icelandic volcano named "PURSCREWDUEYOU"
 

Chaos and reduced visibility. Aircraft's grounded and thousands of people stranded. People who started out with a set itinerary, a confirmed seat, a set destination, now scampering about the airport like a bunch of homeless chaps. Miles away from their loved ones, they wait day in and day out for the smog to clear. For a flight to take off. They don't care about the direct route or a business class seat anymore. All that matters now is getting to their destination , hail come or volcano explode.

Downfall and a bleak future. Everything that the heart ever built, gone and all habitual tendencies left alone. I started out with a set plan, a confirmed agenda, a set destination. Yet now am left wandering around aimlessly in the smog of abrupt change. A change though very transient, yet leaves behind a persistent renewing memo - always expect the unexpected. I am apathetic towards my previously set plan nor do i want to take a comfortable path- a yet unearned luxury. I am waiting for my life to take off. Take -off in the direction of my destination, come detours or missteps galore.